On Grief, "A Ghost Story", and Embracing our Humanity

“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.” 

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

This is definitely a sad post, coming from a place of sadness. But by nature sad is not bad. Just as joy is an integral part of life, so is grief.

We all at some point will experience the pain of loss, the heartbreak of failed relationships, the struggle of low self-esteem. Yet, these things do not define us, no matter how large a piece they play in making us who we are as image-bearers of God.

At its core, grief seems to be a recognition within our soul of the fragmentation of our reality. When a relationship is torn - either by death or something less permanent - our heart feels the ripping of what was meant to be whole.

"It is not good for the man to be alone." - God, Genesis.

We often grieve in different ways... some more healthy than others. C.S. Lewis, the legendary author of the Chronicles of Narnia and a plethora of non-fiction writings journaled his experience with grief following the loss of his wife Joy to cancer. This eventually was published as his heartbreaking expose on the emotions "A Grief Observed" and to this day has helped people of all walks of life navigate the tearing of reality due to the loss of a loved one.

Our hearts as humans were meant to be given to another, so when someone that possesses our heart is lost, we lose a piece of ourselves. We feel for a moment that we might not survive it ourselves... after all, part of my heart is now missing, and I must have my heart to survive.

Lewis felt this all too well. “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” We fear pain, we fear loss.. because deep down we don't believe we can survive on our own.

This is definitely a point worth pausing on... we WERE after all, created to be known and to know God and each other. This is a staple of the Christian worldview of humanity. So what happens if we are thrust into a situation in which we find ourselves violently alone?

In David Lowery's poignant film "A Ghost Story," this moving observation is made about our fear of being forgotten. "We build our legacy piece by piece and maybe the whole world will remember you or maybe just a couple of people, but you do what you can to make sure you're still around after you're gone." While it's coming from a different angle (and a different side of the grave), the point still remains that we are very much concerned with being remembered as people. 

In the film, Casey Affleck's character (the titular ghost) is forced to watch in silence as his wife mourns his death in isolation. Unable to help, unable to connect, he is forced to watch as time speeds past. He exists in isolation, transfixed on his bride, unable to move on until he lets go. 

He cannot experience closure. The pain of separation defines his existence in this ethereal plane.

Through the art of cinema, Lowery is expressing what Lewis wrote so simply... “Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.”  Lowery cleverly decides to examine our human fear of loss from another angle - forcing us to gaze into the mirror of our own insecurities. 

This fear transcends culture and religion, it is a deep-seeded idea in the heart of every man: I am not meant to be alone, and I am terrified of being forgotten - whether in life or death.

It traps us in life, and it dominates our motivations in what we do. Even in the core of Christianity is a question: Does GOD know YOU? Do YOU know HIM? 

Relationship is the core of a holistic healthy reality. So it stands to reason that the antithesis is isolation. 

The reason why death stings so greatly is that life is meant to be fulfilling! We are made in the image of a communal God, and when we are neglected that community, the Imago Dei (image of God) we bear is found lacking. 

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.” 

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

The key to understanding our grief however, is in understanding our humanity. There is no way to cheat death, to live without experiencing loss. Once we heal from one pain, we move on into the next. It is a painful, yet inherent part of life. As David Malham stated in an op-ed piece for the New York Times, "Grief, after all, is the price we pay for love." It is a necessary part of the human experience and there is no choice but to accept it and even lean into it as a chance for us to grow. It is not weakness to experience both joy AND grief. It means we are human. 

What then is the point? At times every human feels the weight of grief. We feel in our bones the ache that Lewis himself had at the loss of his wife. We feel the despair of our loss like a ghost waiting for the love that will never come back to him. We know in our hearts that something is broken in this world.

We are all waiting. Because eternity is in our hearts and we know there is something more. 

Death can't be the end. 

We cannot just accept that life ends on such a melancholy nihilistic note!

“Grief seems to create losses within us that reach beyond our awareness–we feel as if we're missing something that was invisible and unknown to us while we had it, but now painfully gone.” - Brene Brown, Rising Strong

This is why the hope of future restoration and the promises of God are so powerful to us. Revelation 21:5 encapsulates this hope with a simple statement from a reigning God in control of the chaos. 

"And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” We often miss the real hope of Scripture as being heaven... but it's not. The reason why the "GOOD NEWS" is GOOD is that Jesus will take the tears in our world, the rips in our emotions, the pain we feel.. and he will make it all WHOLE. "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” 

Lewis and Lowery both understood that grief is not something to be avoided, but something that is a sign of life. When we allow ourselves to feel deep pain, then we will be able to experience joy in its truest form. What we experience now is temporary. 

We are not alone. 

So we can let go, and embrace our grief.

"God does not want your loneliness; God wants to touch you in a way that permanently fulfills your deepest need. It is important that you dare to stay with your pain and allow it to be there. You have to own your loneliness and trust that it will not always be there. The pain you suffer now is meant to put you in touch with the place where you most need healing, your very heart.... Dare to stay with your pain, and trust in God's promise to you." - Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love

(A Ghost Story is rated R for brief language and is available on all major streaming platforms and for purchase on blu-ray and dvd)

Some Walls

Walls keep things out.
They also keep things in.

Walls are built to keep livestock from traipsing off property.
Walls are built to keep the neighbors from seeing into your private oasis of a back yard.
Walls are built for borders.
Walls are built to protect.

But walls are often built in fear. Fear of losing something, fear of being harmed.

Fear of the unknown.

(I often build walls in my mind out of fear... we all do it to one degree or another.)

We hide behind our walls, content to be isolate in our own little prisons.
I've been on something of a crusade for the last few years to help people find and create doorways in their walls... ways to find community, ways to let people in, ways to help us find meaning.

But sometimes we are kept inside these walls against our will.

Depression is that wall for me.
At times it holds me captive, and I am too weak to try and break down the wall from the inside.
People on the outside can't tell someone is trapped, so they don't try to break it down from the outside either.

Every once in a while, a piece of the wall happens to chip away a little bit, and I can see the outside world. Curious eyes peer in to see what this person is that was just exposed. HELP ME - I ask. But we are passing oddities in a world of constantly rotating distractions.

I want to get OUT of here.
I look up, and don't see anything other than sky. My wall is just that - a wall... nothing more.
There is no roof to keep the rain out, so I get wet.

But I also can see the stars, and so I get lost in them sometimes. Letting my soul get picked up and carried into outer space. Floating.

Away.

Free.

Has it been 10 minutes? An hour? A day?
I don't know. But I do know that in my mind, I escaped. And that escape was glorious.

Walls.
Walls keep things out.
But they also keep things in.

You never know what a wall is really doing there... and some walls are meant to be knocked down.


(Free verse and photography by me, Steven Bowman)

On Depression, Part 2: An Effective Mess

"As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him."

- John 9:1-3

 "Why me?" 

This is the quintessential question for hardships. We associate this question with negativity and suffering, yet I believe that there may be a spiritual aspect to be considered in the midst of the hardship. 

"Why not me?"

"Why has God in his foreknowledge and power allowed this to happen to me?"

"How can I be strengthened, others encouraged, and God glorified through this difficulty?"

I have begun to ask myself these three questions regarding my struggle with depression. The temptation is to allow the depression to prevent us from living life, to allow it to weigh us down to a degree that we purposefully withdraw from society. This stems mainly from the poor response of the church to those who suffer from depression. Rather than being supported, they are seen as being unable to serve because of their condition. (More on this to come!) 

The lie of depression is that you can't be effective, that you can't make an impact because of what you are struggling with. This lie is fueled by the aforementioned attitude that many have, resulting in a spiral of hopelessness. We listen to the lie, and sadly mold our self-image to it. We live our lives in a way that announces defeat. We live our lives believing that our depression disqualifies us from having any value to serve or make a difference.

What if, on the other hand, the presence of depression makes us more qualified to serve?

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

- 2 Cor. 12:9-10

It is a strange and beautiful truth that in the midst of depression or hardship of any kind, the presence of Jesus can be seen and his touch felt more keenly. Just as our cracks reveal the treasure within, our emotional hurts reveal HIS emotional strength.

Despite our depression, we have a promise from Jesus himself that His power will be made PERFECT in our weakness. Even though our lives may be in complete disarray, HE still stands and holds all things together. (Colossians 1:17)
When our lives are seen from the outside, suddenly the perspective shifts.
No longer is our life simply a sad, ineffective mess.
In light of the Gospel, our life is a huge magnifying glass of the beauty of Christ.

While the enemy would have us believe that the depression we feel is evident in our lives, when we have Christ I firmly believe that those around us will see more of HIM if we hold fast. This is what Jesus referred to in John 9 when he stated that the purpose of the blind man's suffering was that "the works of God might be displayed in him."

Be encouraged brothers and sisters! Although you may feel hopeless in your depression, God is still working. Let us not forget that "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it!" 
We are slowly and painfully being molded into the image of Jesus, so that the lives of those around us might be eternally impacted.

"For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer."

- 2 Corinthians 1:5-6

It is a difficult truth to wrap my mind around, but sometimes the reason that God allows me to experience such intense difficulty at times is not because I will grow, or that eventually I will be prepared for ministry, but simply because someone else needs to be encouraged. If I have experienced depression, yet have hope, then I may be able to impart that same hope to someone else with a similar struggle.
This is true of ANY difficulty. Our God can redeem anything. There is no sin to great, or weight to heavy, that He cannot use for His glory.
For this I am thankful.

The questions are not "Am I effective?" or "Can Jesus still use me?" or "How does this make me feel?"  but
"HOW is He using me?" 

"It takes a crucified man to preach a crucified savior." - Stephen Olford

Let us keep our eyes on Christ!

Steven Bowman (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Part 3 coming soon 

On Depression, Part 1: The Eye of the Storm

This post is part 1 in a series on depression. 

Since last winter, I have debated whether or not to write a post this deeply personal. On one hand, I can offer insight and encouragement to the many many people who suffer from depression, yet on the other hand I am baring my soul for all to see.

In the end, transparency wins out.

Who am I to withhold encouragement and support from those around me? At the end of the day, we are all humans - fighting the same fight, living life, dealing with trouble, navigating relationships, discerning the many voices yelling at us from within and without.

I want for people to realize that depression is a very real concern that has a very tangible spiritual connection.

Depression is often misunderstood, commonly defined incorrectly, and certainly avoided at all costs. For a person suffering from depression logic and rationale are often separate from the situation. There doesn't have to be a "trigger" or "root cause." In both circumstantial and biological depression symptoms can suddenly appear without warning, and in great severity. The feeling is almost as if your soul is being suffocated, your emotions compromised, and truth hazy because of the oppression being felt.

Depression attacks the person, regardless of who they are. It is an insidious evil that is one of the sad byproducts of a fallen world.

For a Christian growing up in the Bible belt, the mentality behind depression has generally been one of black and white naivety.
"If you are depressed, you can overcome it."
"If you address sin in your life, you will be healed."
"If you seek Jesus more, the supernatural joy of the Lord will overtake the depression."
This general mindset of medicinal legalism seeks to provide answers, yet all it does is give birth to more frustration.

For years I have struggled with varying levels of depression. Some bouts were definitely linked to health problems such as lack of sleep and a high level of stress; yet more recently my life circumstances have taken a beating, and along with them, my spirit. Depression is a very present reality for me now, constantly a struggle as I deal with ailing health and the frustrations connected. I eat healthily now, exercise, try to maintain my personal spiritual life, and yet I find myself time and time again scraping the bottom... barely able to function. It's not anyone else's fault, nor is it my own. It is one of the many symptoms of living in a fallen world.

It is so easy to ask myself what I am doing wrong, as if my depression were a punishment from the gods. Yet, I have come to realize several truths about depression.

1. I am not alone in my struggle with depression. One of the core problems with depression is the deep sense of isolation and loneliness one gets. This leads to terrible bouts and overwhelming feelings of abandonment when left in isolation. The feeling at times can be that "I am the only one who is suffering from this", yet this is far from the truth. There are MANY people around us who are struggling too. We are NOT alone in our struggle, nor are we abandoned. I have been blessed by an amazing best friend who understands the pain of depression, and a church body that makes it a point to check up on me and keep me from having to be alone when the depression is intense. Friendship is one of the most effective things against depression, and I believe it functions as a physical manifestation of Galatians 6:2 - "Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." Just having a brother or sister walk through the shadows with you can bring so much comfort.

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light." - Helen Keller

2. My depression does not reflect on my identity as a person. While it is so easy to fall into the lie that I am a worthless scumbag, depression can afflict those whom God uses mightily. In fact, He uses those whom hurt the most to accomplish some of the most significant works... 1 Corinthians 1 tells us that "God chose the humble things to shame the wise." Just because I struggle does not mean that I am worthless, or incapable of making an impact. My worth is established by the fact that God gave his only Son for me... no matter what struggles or difficulties I may face. In fact, I have recently pondered the idea that perhaps I am able to make MORE of an impact because of my difficulty. The common struggles in life create bonds with those who encounter the same issues, and are often God-given opportunities so that He may pour His love and grace into someone else's life through me. This leads me to point three...

3. God can still use my depression to bring about good. This truth is perhaps one of the hardest to understand. Throughout my personal experience I have found most of my frustration to lie in the fact that I was being hindered from ministering to others. My goal was to simply push through the depression so that I could get to the other side and get back to work. God has impressed on my heart, however, the fact that by embracing the struggle in this particular season of life, He can work through it to reach others in similar valleys. Sure enough, in the past year people have come to me from different corners of my life, reaching out for support and understanding. There is something about the common bond of hardship that brings people together in a supernatural way. Sometimes we just need to see how God is working despite our circumstances - especially when the circumstances are trials.

Romans 8:28 says that "All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose." 
Through a Tim Keller sermon I heard recently, I realized that when Romans says "all things", that this includes depression.

Depression can be used by God for my good? What kind of ridiculous news is this?

At the end of the day, God in all of his foreknowledge has allowed our difficulties because they mold us and shape us into the kind of person that can make an impact on our world.
By our difficulties, God is working in those around us.
By our trials, God is making us more like Jesus.
By my depression, I am growing closer to God.

This IS encouraging.
I hope that you can be encouraged by this truth too.

Part 2 coming soon.