Blinded

Blind I came, and blind I left 

although the blindness with which I left was of a different sort.

Perhaps the word blinded would be better. 

If being blind is a black hole, 

then being blinded is a searing white hot light. 

Blind, I saw nothing.

     My own hand in front of my face - vanished.

          My own panting all I was aware of.

               In the vacuum. In the nothing.

Blinded, I see everything.

     Light, illuminating all.

          Reaching tendrils, into the corners

               and coaxing forth the hidden things. 

All I can see is all that I can see.

     The hole. Filled. Light. Dispersed.

          Far reaching. Infinite. Moving.

               Blinding. Exposing. Grabbing.

                    Burning. Searing. Purifying. 

I scream.

This light blinds me. Now all I see is a giant white sheet, glazing over my eyes, becoming one with my sight.

All I can see is this.

     My hand in front of my eyes

          becomes enveloped, then vanishes. 

     Even my own voice is lost in the 

          pure intensity of the light.

I am lost and I am found.

I am blinded and now I must walk 

Into the light. 

Metamorphosis

Change.

We either embrace it or we fear it.

As we move into the fall season I can't help but reflect on the changing of seasons: both in nature and in our spirits. After all, it is a part of life for things to be born, for things to grow, for things to die. Spiritually, I grow, I change, I transform. 

What is it about change that causes such drastic responses among humans?

Change is a part of life that is intrinsically linked with renewal. Things must die so that new things may be born. There must be change for there to be life. It is in itself the very evidence of life, both in flesh and in spirit. 

If I'm not experiencing change as a person, then, could it be said that I am not truly living?

Renewal is the key.

We fear deep down that something in the process of transformation will go wrong. We fear that perhaps we will end up worse off. We doubt God himself.

Instead of taking this "risk", we stagnate. Content to remain in stasis, we simply exist.

But existing is not living.

I must embrace the change, and take a leap of faith in order to truly live. Letting go of what I've known I must trust that personal growth, personal transformation, and personal life all stem from allowing God to change me. It stems from allowing Him to transform my mind, which will transform my actions, which may lead me to a place that is "uncomfortable." 

But is it truly uncomfortable if I'm actually alive? Maybe I'm truly living for the first time.

Scripturally, change is crucial to experiencing life. At the most fundamental level, I must experience a complete change in identity to walk in the way of Love. Christ himself replaced my heart completely with his own for me to be able to love, to live.

It's not simply a matter of experiencing a change of situation, but a change of self. 

A metamorphosis. 

I must be transformed by the renewing is my mind. I must lose my life to find it. 

Living requires change.

Change requires sacrifice.

But once I experience this sacrifice, this change; THEN I may truly live. 

Confession: Worship

I have a confession.

I don't want to worship.

I am tired physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Yet, it is in this moment of defiance that I suddenly realize something crucial about myself and God.

I am to worship God whether I feel like it or not.

Worship in the 21st Century has become heavily associated with emotionalism, and at times we even equate an emotional response to a musical moment to the Holy Spirit working in our hearts.

Just as God HIMSELF is unchanging, His worthiness of worship remains unchanging.

"Through Him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge His name." - Hebrews 13:15

Nowhere in scripture is it ever implied that our worship is to be dictated by our own condition. Worship is instead spiritual prostration. It is saying "You are God. I am not."
Worship is playing a song of praise even when the pain in your hands nearly cripples you. Worship is glorifying God even when I feel abandoned. Worship is denying myself.

Worship is evidenced by selflessness.

Worship is the attitude of Jesus. Worship is the realization that no matter what I am going through, GOD is still GOD. Worship acknowledges this.

When I think about it, I receive comfort when I am truly worshiping in a constantly changing life situation, because the object of my worship remains unchanged.

He is steadfast when my soul faints. He retains control even when my mind loses control. When my struggles overwhelm me, His victory over them on the Cross still stands. When my heart doubts, his constant love keeps a thread of hope alive in my soul.

When I feel I can offer nothing, and instead simply acknowledge the inadequacy of my desires and efforts; when I cease striving, THAT is when I am truly worshiping.

Do I want to worship all the time? No.
But that is ok.

It is what I choose to do next that is important. Do I cave in to my desires? Or acknowledge LIFE.
"To worship is to touch LIFE." - (Richard Foster)

It's in those moments of sacrificial worship that HE is glorified all the more.

A sacrifice of praise is a body presented as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is our spiritual act of worship.

- Bowman
9/21/13