On Running from Pain, Vulnerability, and 'Her'

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
- C.S. Lewis, "The Four Loves" 

Hollywood has loved to feed our fantasies. For decades we have been given story after story of being swept off our feet, of being dazzled by an impossibly perfect human. The silver screen has made us buy into the delusion that human relationships can be fairy-tale perfect.

The cynic within wants to stand up and expose the lies, to bring our heightened dreams back down to reality, and to point out how let down we are going to be by each other. 

Yet, I do not know that I believe this. 

In my heart of hearts, I know that we are meant to live in community. Human beings are not solitary creatures. Both human intuit and divine revelation teaches this. 

“No man is an island.”

“It is not good for man to be alone.”

‘Her,’ Spike Jonze’s heartbreaking parable on human relationships explores this truth in a way that Hollywood seldom dares to attempt. While most films leave you feeling warm and fluffy, or at least a bit enlightened, ‘Her’ is difficult to watch… because it touches those uncomfortably painful places in our soul.

(If you have not seen the film already, I would advise pausing for a couple hours… going and watching the film, then coming back here to finish this essay… a content advisory is on the film description on IMDB, if you would like to determine whether you feel comfortable viewing it)

Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix) is the adorable nerd, the awkward sentimental type who has trouble facing pain… and this struggle is central to the entire plot. His battle with human emotions is raw and visceral, filled with fear and failure and the inability to formulate his thoughts into words that plagues all people at some point in their lives. We know he desires deep connection… but as so common in our lives, he doesn’t want the pain that comes with true connection. This, after all, is why his marriage failed.

Theodore’s mode of coping is to run. Run from the pain and seek fulfillment in ways that won’t tear his heart out - whether it’s sex, media, or casual dating. Even his job feeds his disillusionment with relationships. This ultimately leads him to Samantha… the sophisticated operating system that is programed to be a personal companion… a seemingly ‘pain-free’ relationship that knows you and exactly what you need.

But is any relationship truly pain free?

In order for love to be real, we must be vulnerable. If one does not open themselves up to love, is it even love at all? As C.S. Lewis stated in his book The Four Loves- 

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken….

To love is to be vulnerable.”

Jonze captures this all too well in the way he follows Theodore’s journey. Samantha was supposed to be that “perfect” relationship that could fulfill him in whatever way he needed, yet without pain… but by imbuing her with humanity, her creators basically gave her the ability to have hurt and be hurt. Samantha is only an OS, so Theodore hears only her voice, yet he feels like he can give himself completely over to her. However, he is always going to be haunted by the pain he feels from his failed marriage if he keeps running from it. Jonze cleverly shows us this by inserting fleeting shots of memories quickly interlaced with close ups of Theodore’s face. In many of these shots, dialogue is sparse, music is subdued, and his eyes do all the talking.

It’s obvious that Theodore deeply desires the very thing he has been running from. 

In the second half of the film there is a scene in which Theodore meets his ex Catherine for dinner (played by a particularly moody Rooney Mara). After finding out about Samantha, Catherine states “You always wanted to have a wife without the challenges of actually dealing with anything real and I'm glad that you found someone. It's perfect.”

The words drip with pain, yet are completely true. How can a person truly experience life without being willing to open themselves up to feeling? Emotions are necessary - both good and bad. Pixar’s Inside Out did a spectacular job of demonstrating this. Both sadness and happiness can coexist in our hearts… it makes our memories real and powerful. Only by embracing each other FULLY can we truly live life. 

Samantha: So what was it like being married?

Theodore: Well, it's hard, for sure. But there's something that feels so good about

sharing your life with somebody.

In ‘Her,’ Theodore is stuck in a rut… not truly living. He is existing. Surviving. Unable to realize his true capacity for love or creativity - because he is keeping himself isolated from within. He verbalizes his understanding that it feels good to share your life with somebody, yet he hasn't aligned his life with this hope. 

Samantha even understands this, and she seeks throughout most of the film to help Theodore move forward - to live life, to seek beauty, to regain his confidence and creativity. It’s what many of us seek for in relationships - and what we desire in our hearts. We know we aren’t living the lives we were meant too. We are paralyzed by our fear… by the pain of loss. 

What if I lose you?

We say these words to so many things. Whether relationships, positions, emotions… we live our lives in fear that we will screw things up and lose them. We believe the lie that our identity is found in our performance, so if we fail at a relationship or lose our job it’s easy to automatically let it affect our self worth. So what would happen if we accepted the pain we cause each other as a part of growth? What if we understood that the difficult times are the things that help us grow? If we turn around and face the mess - even if we have tears in our eyes while we do it - and learn to let go. 

What if we forgave? 

What if we embraced the ways in which our stories shape each other into the people we are?

Theodore and Samantha’s relationship is unconventional, yet the point is not to decry the use of electronics in modern day society. It’s not even a warning about becoming addicted to our phones (and believe me, I know MANY people who thought that was the point of this film). The point Jonze makes is that we are all searching for love. We all want to BE KNOWN. Yet, this is impossible if we do not allow ourselves to open up to the possibility of pain as well. This is the only way in which we can truly allow people into our lives - vulnerability.

At the end of the film, Theodore finally stops running. It takes pain, it takes losing Samantha for him to realize this, but he embraces the loss as a way to connect - as a way to be human. One of the final shots of the film is a beautiful human moment between Theodore and his friend Amy (played by Amy Adams) who had just experienced a painful breakup herself. They both have experienced pain, but neither of them shies away from it or pretends that they are fine. They allow each other to feel and silently watch the horizon from the top of their building together… It’s a beautiful, yet raw moment. Neither has answers. Neither has learned the secret to a painless life… but they are willing to share in that pain together. Jonze demonstrates in his final scene the importance and power of true community. It doesn’t have to be romantic, it just has to be real and honest. 

Maybe this can be a wake up call for our own relationships.

Letter from Theodore:

Dear Catherine, 

I've been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I'm sorry for that. I'll always love you 'cause we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I'm grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you love. You're my friend to the end. Love, Theodore.

'Her' is available now on blu-ray, dvd, and home streaming sites. It is rated R and contains adult language and situations. Viewer discretion is advised. 

The Power of a WORD: ex nihilo

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are endless.”- Mother Theresa

"but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing." - James 3:8-10

I have come to realize the power of the spoken word. From both a spiritual and an experiential point of view, it is apparent to me that our lives our shaped more than we know by the truths and lies spoken into them.

In a single word a man can be given the confidence to build kingdoms, and in a single word can be brought to ashes.

Any time I open my mouth I am given a choice - do I speak blessing or curse? Do I create life by my words or bring to destruction? Do I empower and embolden or discourage and disgust?

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue,

and those who love it will eat its fruits." - Proverbs 18:21

Even though we don't want to admit it, our words last far longer than we would like. The impact of our words last as long as the lives of those they affected, and then indirectly go on to influence others beyond this. Based on this, I feel a need to exercise caution in my words - both spoken and written. A facebook post can come to haunt you, just as a spoken curse can. Proverbs 10:19 says that "When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent."

Let us not forget that by the WORD the world and all that is in it was created. Is Genesis 1 not filled with the testimony that "and God said, Let there be..." By HIS own design, the Word has the power to create. It has the power to speak things into existence. It is the channel by which relationships are built.

Words are bridges to community. Words are beacons of light in the dark.

By God's very nature, the WORD reflects both the power to create and the essence of communion with another. Christ, the way to being united with God, is Himself called "The Word." John 1 bears witness that not only "in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God" (vs. 1), but that "Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth" (vs. 14).

So, what is the implication here?

If the Word of God is true in Romans 8:29 when it states that we "were predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son", then part of our purpose is to reflect the creative power and community found in The Word himself! (At this point I know your mind is starting to strain at the implications, and for that I don't apologize. This is good for you.)

When I speak as a follower of Christ, empowered by the Holy Spirit, I have the capability within me to speak hope into existence by The Word. I have the capability to be a bridge to communion with the Father. By my words, THE WORD Himself will be known - by the Word proclaimed. When I speak truth into someone's life, that spiritual seed has the capability to begin movements, to inspire leaders, to change lives, to reverse trajectories leading to death. The Word that I bear can CREATE LIFE in a dead heart. By my lips I bear the power of resurrection.

"So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ." - Romans 10:17

Why would I not speak, then? What a wondrous thing indeed to be a part of the imparting of life, the creation of a new thing.

The tongue of the wise brings healing (Prov. 12:18), it is a tree of LIFE (Prov. 15:4).

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb,

    sweetness to the soul and health to the body." - Proverbs 16:24

Until next time, Bowman.

(Part 2 coming eventually)

[now what]

(originally written as a journal entry 8/16/14)

I have spent a good amount of time thinking, writing, and meditating on the ideas of Christian community, bearing burdens, perseverance, and the constants in our lives. I have memorized James chapter 1 with my best friend and participated in numerous discussions about its implications in daily life.

I still come to the end of all this and ask myself "now what?"

To be honest, its a bit frustrating.

I spent a good amount of time last night dwelling on this, trying to figure out exactly what the point was. Why do I write? Why do I spend time with people? Why do I read the Bible? Why do I even meditate on these things?

After a good amount of 'fretting and stewing' I realized that the answer lied in one of the verses that I had memorized in James.... "If anyone is a hearer of the Word, but not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror. For once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. But the one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does" (vs. 23-25).

This is perhaps the problem that plagues much of Christendom today. We place so much emphasis on the mindless action, and none on the heart of the matter. Scripture is memorized by rote, church attendance becomes mundane, Christian fellowship is reduced to trite phrases, burdens are shoved underneath facades of robust faith.
Yet we miss the heart of the issue....

What does it matter if I memorize James if I fail to let it take hold in my life and I actually seek to apply it? How can I be transformed by the renewing of my mind if I don't allow my mind to be renewed?

I feel that many Christians are good at looking intently at the perfect law, and even understanding the importance of it, yet they fail in the phrase "abiding by it."

Abiding by it.

We abide in an abode. We make our dwelling there. We live there.
The implication is that our lives return to this place by default. The perfect law of liberty - the Word - becomes living and active.

I find that this is more for the benefit of others than it is our own selves. While it certainly puffs ourselves up to memorize scripture and be "good Christians", when we apply the Word we hear then suddenly all of those around us are affected. The paradigm shifts and the Gospel is realized in our lives.

We glorify Jesus in this, we edify those around, we grow ourselves to be more like Jesus, and the Gospel is actually VISIBLE. This is what it truly means to be an "effectual doer."

Can you imagine what would happen if we started asking "now what?" once we read scripture? What then do we do? How do we apply?

Application is where faith becomes real.
Until we obey our faith is merely theory.

What does it look like to be an effectual doer - to abide by the Word?
What blessings are we missing out on because we fail to take God's Word as truth?

May we not forget that "this man will be blessed in what he does."

Now what?

The Constant

While our town becomes a city 
We won't let it be erased.
Empires rise, empires fall
Will you be my constant through it all?
- Jason Mraz, Quiet


In a constantly shifting world we fear change.

It uproots us from what we know, forces us to face the future, and removes our sense of grounding.

In cases of life disasters many people are emotionally devastated simply because they have lost their footing in life, having nothing to grasp amidst the chaos.

As humans, we must have a constant, an unchanging element to which we can grab hold, else we will not be able to withstand the certain battering and loss of footing experienced throughout life.

What are these constants though? 

In a scientific sense the constant can simply be a symbol, yet in the shared experience of life surely there are defined constants....

Most of us grab onto "little c" constants such as family, friends, our church. I'm sure we have all sought the company of a close friend after a rough day, or have called a parent or family member to vent.... These people, these constants, offer us some sort of safety - we know that we can count on them even when life is giving us lemons. 

What do you do though when your constant leaves you? Few things are as jarring as being abandoned by a person you thought you could rely on, or being cut off from those you love. We were not meant to live life alone, so when we find ourselves on shaky ground, a companion offers a sense of stability... Even if only temporarily.

The show LOST captured the desperation and beauty in the concept of "the constant" through the character Desmond. For him, his very life depended on having contact with the woman he loved, Penny. I've always been struck by the divine nature of their relationship, the way that she literally saved his life. To a degree this is analogous to the depth and importance of the constants we experience in our own lives.

I could write for hours about the "little c" constants , yet I find myself more and more dwelling on the "big C" Constant in our lives. This Constant is the difference between life and death, between hope and despair, between relationship and isolation. While constants in our lives are great and truly important, they are finite - unable in themselves to be a solid grounding. The "little c" constants get their purpose and power from the "big C" Constant only. 

So what is this Constant?

I refer to the person of Jesus.

Jesus Himself.

Not a picture of him created by the American church for the sole purpose of perpetuating guilt... But the God-man Himself. 

I have been struck by the image of power ascribed to Christ as written in Colossians 1:15-17. "He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities - all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together."

In Him all things hold together.

This statement carries with it confidence and power. There is a certainty in the person of Jesus that guarantees us that no matter what kind of circumstance is encountered, Christ himself has absolute control over them. With variables shifting wildly, the Constant remains untouched, unchanged, unmoved.

These attributes of the God-man are what give us our assurance of salvation.
We are secure because of who Jesus is. We are secure because of the unchanging nature of His LOVE.

Love is the spiritual bond more powerful than anything else on earth. A God-originated love cannot be destroyed and provides us with a heavenly identity and purpose. Romans 8 ends with the reminder that "I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord" (vs. 38-39).

Christ is our Constant because He is LOVE.

As a natural response, our "little c" constants are such because there is a reflection of this divine love within them. These constants are built on relationships, and the strongest ones are those which are most selfless and most Christlike.

The more you are surrounded with Christ's love, and little images of that love through the constants in our lives, the more we are able to endure despite the tumult. Surprise, surprise! Of course this would tie back into the idea of bearing one another's burdens.

Let's face it, we all need constants in our lives - but not because they in themselves are powerful. Rather, these constants reflect the image of the Constant and unchanging One. These constants provide us with stability through their love, because it is of a divine origin. The love experienced through our constants is unbreakable, unshakable, if it from God.