On Running from Pain, Vulnerability, and 'Her'

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
- C.S. Lewis, "The Four Loves" 

Hollywood has loved to feed our fantasies. For decades we have been given story after story of being swept off our feet, of being dazzled by an impossibly perfect human. The silver screen has made us buy into the delusion that human relationships can be fairy-tale perfect.

The cynic within wants to stand up and expose the lies, to bring our heightened dreams back down to reality, and to point out how let down we are going to be by each other. 

Yet, I do not know that I believe this. 

In my heart of hearts, I know that we are meant to live in community. Human beings are not solitary creatures. Both human intuit and divine revelation teaches this. 

“No man is an island.”

“It is not good for man to be alone.”

‘Her,’ Spike Jonze’s heartbreaking parable on human relationships explores this truth in a way that Hollywood seldom dares to attempt. While most films leave you feeling warm and fluffy, or at least a bit enlightened, ‘Her’ is difficult to watch… because it touches those uncomfortably painful places in our soul.

(If you have not seen the film already, I would advise pausing for a couple hours… going and watching the film, then coming back here to finish this essay… a content advisory is on the film description on IMDB, if you would like to determine whether you feel comfortable viewing it)

Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix) is the adorable nerd, the awkward sentimental type who has trouble facing pain… and this struggle is central to the entire plot. His battle with human emotions is raw and visceral, filled with fear and failure and the inability to formulate his thoughts into words that plagues all people at some point in their lives. We know he desires deep connection… but as so common in our lives, he doesn’t want the pain that comes with true connection. This, after all, is why his marriage failed.

Theodore’s mode of coping is to run. Run from the pain and seek fulfillment in ways that won’t tear his heart out - whether it’s sex, media, or casual dating. Even his job feeds his disillusionment with relationships. This ultimately leads him to Samantha… the sophisticated operating system that is programed to be a personal companion… a seemingly ‘pain-free’ relationship that knows you and exactly what you need.

But is any relationship truly pain free?

In order for love to be real, we must be vulnerable. If one does not open themselves up to love, is it even love at all? As C.S. Lewis stated in his book The Four Loves- 

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken….

To love is to be vulnerable.”

Jonze captures this all too well in the way he follows Theodore’s journey. Samantha was supposed to be that “perfect” relationship that could fulfill him in whatever way he needed, yet without pain… but by imbuing her with humanity, her creators basically gave her the ability to have hurt and be hurt. Samantha is only an OS, so Theodore hears only her voice, yet he feels like he can give himself completely over to her. However, he is always going to be haunted by the pain he feels from his failed marriage if he keeps running from it. Jonze cleverly shows us this by inserting fleeting shots of memories quickly interlaced with close ups of Theodore’s face. In many of these shots, dialogue is sparse, music is subdued, and his eyes do all the talking.

It’s obvious that Theodore deeply desires the very thing he has been running from. 

In the second half of the film there is a scene in which Theodore meets his ex Catherine for dinner (played by a particularly moody Rooney Mara). After finding out about Samantha, Catherine states “You always wanted to have a wife without the challenges of actually dealing with anything real and I'm glad that you found someone. It's perfect.”

The words drip with pain, yet are completely true. How can a person truly experience life without being willing to open themselves up to feeling? Emotions are necessary - both good and bad. Pixar’s Inside Out did a spectacular job of demonstrating this. Both sadness and happiness can coexist in our hearts… it makes our memories real and powerful. Only by embracing each other FULLY can we truly live life. 

Samantha: So what was it like being married?

Theodore: Well, it's hard, for sure. But there's something that feels so good about

sharing your life with somebody.

In ‘Her,’ Theodore is stuck in a rut… not truly living. He is existing. Surviving. Unable to realize his true capacity for love or creativity - because he is keeping himself isolated from within. He verbalizes his understanding that it feels good to share your life with somebody, yet he hasn't aligned his life with this hope. 

Samantha even understands this, and she seeks throughout most of the film to help Theodore move forward - to live life, to seek beauty, to regain his confidence and creativity. It’s what many of us seek for in relationships - and what we desire in our hearts. We know we aren’t living the lives we were meant too. We are paralyzed by our fear… by the pain of loss. 

What if I lose you?

We say these words to so many things. Whether relationships, positions, emotions… we live our lives in fear that we will screw things up and lose them. We believe the lie that our identity is found in our performance, so if we fail at a relationship or lose our job it’s easy to automatically let it affect our self worth. So what would happen if we accepted the pain we cause each other as a part of growth? What if we understood that the difficult times are the things that help us grow? If we turn around and face the mess - even if we have tears in our eyes while we do it - and learn to let go. 

What if we forgave? 

What if we embraced the ways in which our stories shape each other into the people we are?

Theodore and Samantha’s relationship is unconventional, yet the point is not to decry the use of electronics in modern day society. It’s not even a warning about becoming addicted to our phones (and believe me, I know MANY people who thought that was the point of this film). The point Jonze makes is that we are all searching for love. We all want to BE KNOWN. Yet, this is impossible if we do not allow ourselves to open up to the possibility of pain as well. This is the only way in which we can truly allow people into our lives - vulnerability.

At the end of the film, Theodore finally stops running. It takes pain, it takes losing Samantha for him to realize this, but he embraces the loss as a way to connect - as a way to be human. One of the final shots of the film is a beautiful human moment between Theodore and his friend Amy (played by Amy Adams) who had just experienced a painful breakup herself. They both have experienced pain, but neither of them shies away from it or pretends that they are fine. They allow each other to feel and silently watch the horizon from the top of their building together… It’s a beautiful, yet raw moment. Neither has answers. Neither has learned the secret to a painless life… but they are willing to share in that pain together. Jonze demonstrates in his final scene the importance and power of true community. It doesn’t have to be romantic, it just has to be real and honest. 

Maybe this can be a wake up call for our own relationships.

Letter from Theodore:

Dear Catherine, 

I've been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I'm sorry for that. I'll always love you 'cause we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I'm grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you love. You're my friend to the end. Love, Theodore.

'Her' is available now on blu-ray, dvd, and home streaming sites. It is rated R and contains adult language and situations. Viewer discretion is advised. 

The Power of a WORD: ex nihilo

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are endless.”- Mother Theresa

"but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing." - James 3:8-10

I have come to realize the power of the spoken word. From both a spiritual and an experiential point of view, it is apparent to me that our lives our shaped more than we know by the truths and lies spoken into them.

In a single word a man can be given the confidence to build kingdoms, and in a single word can be brought to ashes.

Any time I open my mouth I am given a choice - do I speak blessing or curse? Do I create life by my words or bring to destruction? Do I empower and embolden or discourage and disgust?

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue,

and those who love it will eat its fruits." - Proverbs 18:21

Even though we don't want to admit it, our words last far longer than we would like. The impact of our words last as long as the lives of those they affected, and then indirectly go on to influence others beyond this. Based on this, I feel a need to exercise caution in my words - both spoken and written. A facebook post can come to haunt you, just as a spoken curse can. Proverbs 10:19 says that "When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent."

Let us not forget that by the WORD the world and all that is in it was created. Is Genesis 1 not filled with the testimony that "and God said, Let there be..." By HIS own design, the Word has the power to create. It has the power to speak things into existence. It is the channel by which relationships are built.

Words are bridges to community. Words are beacons of light in the dark.

By God's very nature, the WORD reflects both the power to create and the essence of communion with another. Christ, the way to being united with God, is Himself called "The Word." John 1 bears witness that not only "in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God" (vs. 1), but that "Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth" (vs. 14).

So, what is the implication here?

If the Word of God is true in Romans 8:29 when it states that we "were predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son", then part of our purpose is to reflect the creative power and community found in The Word himself! (At this point I know your mind is starting to strain at the implications, and for that I don't apologize. This is good for you.)

When I speak as a follower of Christ, empowered by the Holy Spirit, I have the capability within me to speak hope into existence by The Word. I have the capability to be a bridge to communion with the Father. By my words, THE WORD Himself will be known - by the Word proclaimed. When I speak truth into someone's life, that spiritual seed has the capability to begin movements, to inspire leaders, to change lives, to reverse trajectories leading to death. The Word that I bear can CREATE LIFE in a dead heart. By my lips I bear the power of resurrection.

"So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ." - Romans 10:17

Why would I not speak, then? What a wondrous thing indeed to be a part of the imparting of life, the creation of a new thing.

The tongue of the wise brings healing (Prov. 12:18), it is a tree of LIFE (Prov. 15:4).

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb,

    sweetness to the soul and health to the body." - Proverbs 16:24

Until next time, Bowman.

(Part 2 coming eventually)

Velveteen Thoughts

Every once in a while a passage from a book or dialogue from a movie will spark my mind ablaze. Recently I've been thinking much on friendship. These thoughts of course begin with love. How do you love someone as yourself? How do you receive love? What does it look like to share life?

More recently though I came to the realization that my closest friend helps me to come alive. 

By loving and being loved through the good and the bad, THIS is how we come alive. This is what reality is. Real love is impossible apart from relationship. When I love someone I push them to be closer to Christ, when someone loves me they do the same. Apart from this our live is meaningless.

Iron sharpening iron.

The thing about iron sharpening iron though is that it hurts sometimes. Being open enough to love and be loved takes courage, because your flaws are on display along with your weaknesses. Yet, these deep relationships push us in the Holy Spirit to live despite that.

I feel that I can come alive when I have someone that loves me for who I am and believes in me. When I love my friends selflessly, it helps to empower their own life visions. 

All of this fits into the framework of love that we see in 1 John. Through this love we experience God's love, the world sees God, and we get to experience Jesus more fully. 

With all this being said, now read the following passage from Margery William's book "The Velveteen Rabbit":

"What is real?" Asked the Rabbit one day. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you when a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become real." 

"Does it hurt?" Asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once like being wound up?" He asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints, and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are really you can't be ugly, except the people who don't understand.

To the people in my life that have been real to and with me, I am indebted to you for helping me to come alive despite hardship, doubt, and trials. Mom, Dad, Brandon, the guys of LWH- this post is for you.

Migration Patterns

What if moving on to greener pastures was not as great thing as it was cracked up to be?

I've been thinking a lot again about ministry goals, and how that relates to where God has placed us in life, but more importantly WHO he has placed us with. 

I've noticed a common mentality among my peers, both in seminary and in other areas of life, for the "corporate model" of living life.... That is, the constant move to a bigger platform and a larger spotlight.

Let's face it, everybody wants to be noticed, to make a lasting impact, and to know that their life is validated in some way. 

Why, though, have we bought into the lie that this validation is correlated with what we do and not with who we are? 

Lives are spent moving all over the country, from one sphere of influence to another, seeking to provide better opportunities for ourselves and our families, but at what cost? My fear is that at the end of the day, we will find that our lives have been spent without the depth of community and level of trust that we need as people.

This is especially true of the church. 

I have written already about sharing life, about bearing burdens, and have attempted to explain my thoughts on the importance of Christian community. I barely know what to write now, as the life philosophy I am now developing is so colossally different than everything I have ever held to.

For the first time in my life, I believe that staying is better than going. Instead of being eager to experience life by going to "new exciting places" and starting new ministries in a completely different context, I am challenged by the thought of simply committing to those around me completely and sacrificially, as if this is my final destination. 

So often I become so distracted by the future that I fail to live to my full potential in the present. Worrying sets in, and preparation for what is to come obsesses my mind.

Don't get me wrong, preparation in life is important, but we are always being prepared for the next thing throughout life until we eventually die. Preparation is not something we are taught but something we experience. 

This leads me to the realization that life happens now, not then. Life is not where you will spend your life, but who you will spend it with. Life is the everyday moments, not just the mountaintops and valleys.

When will we realize that the people who are around us, sharing the seemingly small moments, are what make us truly experience life in a full way? 

We desire to experience life "moments", but what do they matter if you don't have those you love to share them with? 

Acts 4:32 describes the church the following way. 

"Now the full number of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own, but they had everything in common." 

One heart. 

One soul. 

They had everything in common. 

This is what it is like to live life. 

I am excited to see how sweet and fruitful my friendships will be 5, 10, even 20 years in the future. I intend on committing and cultivating these relationships, because that is what makes up my life.

My best friend made the comment to me the other day that in the future we will be "a force to be reckoned with." On the surface this seems comedic and we laughed, yet in context this was a very true and exciting thought. 

What could be accomplished in the world if we invested in others completely? With hearts knit together in The Lord what kind of healing and hope could we see in this world? When the church has one soul and a unified voice what kind of impact can we have for the Gospel?

1 John 4:12 tells us that "no one has seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us."

If the world could tangibly see Christ in Me, the hope of glory, then what would change? 

We love because He first loved us.

Instead of moving on to greener pastures to make the best life possible, how about we realize that the people around us are what make up the best life possibile.

When A Good Movie is a Bad Thing (or is it?)

It has become something of a joke between me and my closest friends that whenever I watch a movie, I tend to relate in the most bizarre ways to the characters onscreen. 

In fact, my favorite films of the past year have all spoken to me because deep down, my spirit resounded with the people I shared two hours with on screen. I relate to the deep need of the titular character of Inside Llewyn Davis to make meaning of his life in the wake of tragedy. I relate to the craving for intimacy felt by Joaquin Phoenix's Theodore in Her. On a dark note, I felt the frustration and anger of Cate Blanchett's Jasmine in Blue Jasmine. Heck, I even related to Emmett in The Lego Movie.

Let's face it, we all love a movie that we can relate to. Isn't that why Spider-man is considered a more "relatable" hero than Iron Man? There's an element of real world struggle inherent in the Peter Parker plight that just isn't there for Tony Stark.

(For the handful of billionaire inventor playboys who loved The Iron Man trilogy- I apologize.)

In a fantastical world such as that seen in Marvel or DC films, or in Peter Jackson's Middle-Earth, this relatability helps to ground us in a world that is otherwise completely unbelievable. Finding myself relating to Frodo or Sam in The Lord of the Rings gives gravitas to the plot, putting real stakes into the story to create a reason to watch to the end. Relating to these types of characters helps the audience to actually care what happens to them.

And this is a good thing.

(Well done, screenplay scribes!)

What do you do, though, when you find yourself relating to those whom you are not intended to? How do you deal with relating to the misfits, the tortured souls, the lonely, the searching, the insecure, the jacked up?

While fictitious in nature, most real-world films are completely plausible in one way or another. If it hasn't happened to you yet, just wait. 

In a movie with emotional depth, I find it dangerous (almost) to identify too deeply with the characters presented on screen, lest I allow it to painfully expose all of my own flaws - those both real and those projected - onto myself. 

When I viewed Inside Llewyn Davis, I wasn't merely sharing in the experience. For two hours I felt I was Llewyn Davis. It was I, and not a mere character who had lost his way. I felt in a raw way that I knew exactly what his character was experiencing (and to a degree I have).

When I saw Her, I was the man who desired above all else to be close to someone. I found my own solitude shoved into my face, an almost painful truth to confront. Yet it is only a film. 

Even in Woody Allen's Blue Jasmine, I found a way to extract my flaws from the deepest parts of my insecurity, and fling them on screen for the entire theater to examine. 

A good movie can be a bad thing when you don't know how to filter your emotions.

And then I realized the gift. 

Rather than analyze my flaws and insecurities to an unhealthy level of obsession, what if I analyzed what this emotional connection said about me as a human? What if instead of showing what an insecure person I am, this relation issue is actually pointing out my strengths?

I am a people person. I care deeply for those around me, especially those whom I share life with. I care about their struggles, their emotions, their passions, their careers, their loves, their pain, their lives.

When I connect then to Llewyn, or Theodore, or Jasmine, I am actually desiring to help share the load. To share the burden is to be blessed indeed. In my previous posts I have discussed the necessity of sharing life to experience God, and the immense blessing of getting to share in others' sorrows. I believe that connecting to film characters is merely a way in which God is allowing my view of him, and my view of self to permeate other areas of my life.

Sharing life spiritually isn't merely a Sunday thing. It is a day by day living out.

I don't mean to brag by this post, I certainly don't have it all figured out. But I want to share the experience as I do learn and grow. I truly and deeply hope you are encouraged somehow by my writings.